


The Wrong Shop

by Spookbeetle



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Beelzebub Has a Vulva (Good Omens), F/M, Gabriel Has a Penis (Good Omens), Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Kink, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pain, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Praise Kink, Smut, celestial horniness, cute sadistic undertones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 21:09:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20607347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spookbeetle/pseuds/Spookbeetle
Summary: Gabriel accidentally purchases some pornography, that just so happens to be accidentally reminiscent of a colleague of his. He feels the need to make a call.





	The Wrong Shop

Gabriel knew he’d gone into the wrong shop pretty quickly- at the counter was a brunette woman with thick glasses and intelligent blue eyes, no pesky misdemeanant angels in sight- but he couldn’t just walk straight out, etiquette dictated that he had to take a cursory look around. He wandered in a circle, picking up books at random and pretending to skim-read the backs. Just as he'd gotten back to the doorway and was about to go, the woman at the desk said ‘What’re you after?’  
Ah, he had an answer prepared for this one. ‘Pornography!’ he said, grinning at her, expecting her to shut up and maybe turn that awkward red color humans did when they were particularly uncomfortable. What he was most certainly not anticipating was for her to smile back, raise her eyebrows and say ‘Come on, then.’  
She led him to a different, dustier room in the back of the shop. ‘Now, what kind of thing do you want?’  
He supposed he’d just go on with the charade until it reached a natural end and he could go back to the task at hand.  
‘A pornography, please.’  
She laughed. ‘Yes, right you are, but what, specifically?’  
Gabriel frowned. He hated feeling unprepared. ‘I’m not sure. What do you recommend?’  
She laughed again. ‘I’m into what I’m into. We need to know what you’re into. Okay, uh, do you want something straight or gay? Or other?’  
Back to a question he could answer, that was good. Stupid humans and their ridiculous gender binaries and sexual preferences. ‘It doesn’t matter.’  
‘Sure. How about kinks? What gets you hot?’  
‘Gets me- oh, you mean, sexually arouses me. I like-‘ Shit, he couldn’t think of anything. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried intercourse, of course. It seemed to motivate an awful lot of human actions, so he’d been curious, naturally. Angels were just- well, they were rather boring. Soft, discreet noises, limited movement, a lot of lying back against the pillows looking ethereally beautiful, everything pretty and neat. He realised he hadn’t spoken for several seconds and grasped at a seemingly random thought.  
‘There are these things humans wear on their legs- similar to a device for catching fish-‘  
‘Fishnets? Neat. I dig your style. Anything else you can think of? The more precise the better.’  
He tried to think of whatever the opposite of an angel was.  
‘Um, dark clothing, perhaps. The kind that restricts the movement. And people speaking, uh, harshly- that is to say, cruelty?’  
‘Ah, okay. I’ve got just the thing.’  
She reached onto a shelf and came back with a magazine. He took it from her hands and looked back at her with barely a glance at the cover.  
‘That’s four quid, please.’  
He miracled the appropriate change and pressed it into her hand, walking out the door without thanking her.  
‘Come again, if you don’t mind the pun!’ she shouted behind him.

Outside the shop, he could feel the rolled-up magazine in his pocket. He couldn’t help it, now he was curious. He found a slightly damp park bench and took it out from his jacket. On the cover was a dark-haired woman, her mouth drooping open in a way he supposed was intended to be sultry. Her legs were folded and covered in those things, fish-nets. Inside the magazine were more women, scantily clad. One woman had her hands bound tightly behind her back and a cloth tied tightly over her eyes. She leant forward blindly, seeking something. He felt a strange feeling go through him. A few pages on was another woman wearing fish-nets again, this time only reaching her knees. Her nipples were covered in two odd black paper circles. She also wore a pair of dark leather boots and a wide collar around her neck. He felt that strange feeling again. And then, in a moment of horrible clarity, he realised where he’d gotten the fishnets idea from. He couldn’t possibly be- no, it wasn’t right to- oh, damn. Oh, bloody fucking damn it.

It took an hour of frankly hideous feelings-examination and legal-clauses-reflection before he managed to dial the number on his slim white phone. The screen immediately went black and the temperature of the air around him seemed to drop.  
‘Yezzz?’ A voice sounded irritably from the other end.  
‘This is Gabriel.’  
‘A home call from the prestigious archangel? I suppozze I should feel flattered. What the fuck do you want?’

When he showed up at the bar they’ve agreed on, they’re already there. They stood up from a stool when he got close and he was reminded of the massive height differential between the two of them. They wouldn't even reach his chin. He swallowed.  
‘What izz this, then?  
‘I thought we’d, er, regroup. See how the other side’s doing, you know.’  
He felt almost flustered. He didn’t like it.  
They talked for a few minutes. Not really about anything- they both could produce an unimaginable amount of bureaucratic nonsense if pressed- but he kept staring down at their face. Their eyes flashed fascinatingly with irritation as they discussed the incompetence of their colleagues. Eventually, amid a rambling complaint about the state of the discorporations office down in hell, they raised an eyebrow.  
‘What’zz actually going on here?’  
‘What do you mean? We’re, we- we’re planning. Important stuff.’  
‘No, it’s not. You’re a shite liar, angel.’  
‘Thank you?’  
They scowled at him, rolling their eyes. ‘Since you’re being uncooperative, I suppozze I’ll start guessing. You’re trying to exzztract useful information to help your side plan the Next Big One?’  
‘Well, no-‘  
‘You got me here to try to dizzzcorporate me, juzzt to put me out of my way?’  
‘Of course not!’  
‘I suppose that’zzz a relief. It’s not like you’d be able to accomplish much, but it still soundzzz like an annoying amount of work.’  
‘No, okay, look. I came here because, it’s- I like the, um, your-, I-‘  
They watched him flounder, dark eyes appraising. Then they said, ‘Your corporation warms to me.’  
‘What? No, it doesn’t.’  
‘It doezzz. Your mortal blood is unequally dispersed throughout your form.'  
He couldn't think of what to say. Suddenly, their face switched from thought to surprise, then to a slow, malicious smile.  
'Are you- how do the humanzzz put it- horny, angel? Does thinking about rolling in the muck with a filthy demon get you hot? Is that it?’  
He felt his face heat up unpleasantly.  
‘Yes, alright? This stupid human body is lusting after you.’  
They crowed with a vicious delight. He tried to look away.  
‘If you’re going to admit to it, angel, own up all the way. A bad celestial being blames his corporation, yes?’  
Their smile was growing more and more smug. Much to Gabriel’s dismay, the cruelty in their expression only seemed to make them more attractive.  
‘Fine,’ he hissed through gritted teeth, ‘I want you. Alright, Beelzebub, happy? I really, really, want to fuck you. I can’t stop thinking about it.’  
Beelzebub’s smile grew wide enough to show teeth. ‘Oh, I'm very happy. Very happy indeed. I’m zzzo glad I’ve been, excuse the pun, bugging you.’  
Gabriel decided he’d rather had enough of this torment. ‘This was uncharacteristically foolish of me. I have places to be. I hope you’ve got a kick out of this.’ He turned to leave but they reached out a hand to grab the front of his coat.  
‘Oh, but I have, angel, I really really have. I’ve taken great delight in watching you zzzquirm.’  
‘Yes, I’m aware.’  
‘And now I’m deciding what to do about it.’  
‘What to- do?’  
‘Yezzz. Is taunting simply enough- or could I have some more fun?’  
He swallowed dryly.  
‘Lusting after me. How the mighty have fallen.’ They patted his cheek condescendingly, then drew a sharp fingernail down his cheek. They laughed at his intake of breath, watching the white mark fade with a considering expression. ‘I think I want to see how much I can fuck that pretty face up.’  
‘You do?’  
Beelzebub pulled harder on his coat, then breathed a slow ‘yessss,’ into his face and snapped their fingers.

They were suddenly in a new room- it looked to be a hotel room with one large bed in the centre. He didn’t manage to investigate the rest of the décor because Beelzebub immediately grabbed his shirt collar and yanked hard, pulling him down roughly to their mouth. He let out a muffled noise of surprise, opening his mouth by accident and then moaning against Beelzebub’s tongue. He pushed them against the wall, wrapping his arms around their waist and lifting them until they were chest-to-chest. Beelzebub had an arm around his neck, the other hand shoved into his hair, pulling a little. They tightened their grip, pulling his head back painfully, and he gave a frankly embarrassing whine. They broke away to grin nastily at him, then bent their head and pressed their mouth against his neck, biting the sensitive skin near his jaw. He shivered visibly and tried to press them closer to the wall. They rocked their crotch against him, letting out a noise of delight when they felt how hard he’d already become.  
‘Flustered, are we, angel?’  
He tried to force his brain to make a sentence but nothing came out. Instead, he ran his fingers along the seam of their tailored pants, already able to feel heat, and they shoved their face against the crook of his neck, whimpering. He pushed his fingers harder into the fabric, into the heat, enjoying the sound of a muffled whine against his neck. He rubbed harder, Beelzebub’s hips pushing fruitlessly against his palm, unwilling to give them the pressure they wanted. They scraped their nails roughly, painfully, across his scalp.  
‘Just fuck me already, you cunt,’ they growled. He laughed darkly and undid their fly, snaking his hand down across their bare skin, brushing fingers across coarse curls and then feeling the wet heat of their cunt against his fingers.

He pushed a long finger inside them, grinding the heel of his hand against their clit and feeling immeasurably satisfied at the sound of the moans they were trying to muffle into his shoulder. Their body trembled and they managed to force out something that sounded like ‘Mm-more, more-‘  
Always happy to oblige, Gabriel smiled and added a second finger, working them in and out at a pace he knew was just slightly too slow. Beelzebub groaned impatiently, bucking and twisting against him. Looking up at him irritably, eyes dark and half-closed, they raked their nails across his back, forcing a moan out of his mouth. He stopped smiling and they palmed a hand roughly across the front of his trousers, feeling him, hot and stiff, through the fabric. He let out another groan and increased the speed of his fingers. Their bodies moved heavily against the mattress. Beelzebub, evidently desperate, started scratching ineffectually at his zipper. He took the liberty of miracling away everything but his boxers and their boots and stockings. They let out a snort of amusement-  
‘Feeling a little kinky, are we?’  
So he pressed his mouth over theirs to shut them up. They immediately opened their mouth into the kiss, hot and slick with urgency, and he hummed at the back of his throat. They thrust their hand down the cotton boxers, taking out his cock and swiping their thumb roughly over its leaking tip. He made a hoarse, breathy sound and put his free hand around their neck, pressing slightly. Beelzebub’s eyes went wide and then fluttered shut, the movement of their hand stuttering. He smiled and pressed harder, feeling their throat work in his grip, their hand limp. Their mouth hung open, breath coming out in glorious gasps. He pushed a third finger into them, letting his thumb bump their clit along with the thrust of his fingers. Bringing his mouth in close to their ear, he muttered ‘Be a good little demon and come for me, now, just like that,’  
Beelzebub let out a sound that started as a scream of rage and ended in a long mewling noise, their body giving in completely. He could feel them tense around his fingers and shudder in his arms and when he looked down at their face their eyes were tight shut. He kept up the pace he’d set with his fingers until he felt them stop shaking. He ran his hand gently over their hip, admiring the soft skin.

When they’d come back to themself, their eyes flickered open and then they slapped him hard across the face.  
‘Don’t you dare think I like that shit, you can’t zzzay shit like that to me!’  
Gabriel's face took on a look of immense self-satisfacton and he said nothing. Beelzebub raised their hand and smacked him hard across the face. He felt something hot trickle from his nose and over his lip. He looked stunned for a second, and then gave them a broad grin, blood streaking across his teeth. They glared suspiciously up at him for a long second and then, keeping eye contact, slid their palm against his cock again. Ah. Yes. He’d forgotten all about that.  
‘You going to fuck me or not, then?’ They quirked an eyebrow.  
He shut his eyes and made a slow ‘hmmh’ sound.  
‘Good boy.’ Their tone was one of obvious mockery but an irrepressible shudder ran through him at the words and they widened their eyes, obviously noticing the effect they’d had on him. They pushed his boxers down as far as they could reach, pressing the softness of their chest up against him at the same time, then wrapped their legs around his waist and pulled him towards them. Reaching a hand down, he adjusted himself and slid slowly in. They both gasped at the feeling. He pulled back a little, then rocked softly back in. This time Beelzebub let out an irritated huff and flipped him onto his back, straddling him. They looked down at him, eyebrows raised, and then started riding him, getting faster and faster until he had to squeeze his eyes shut to avoid overstimulation. It was all so much- their face, intent and staring, the pressure of their hands on his shoulders, their lithe pale body with the start of a sheen of sweat. They laughed harshly.  
‘Aw, izz the little angel struggling to keep control of himzzelf? Is he waiting for permission?’  
He moaned and they ran their fingers under his chin. ‘Look at me, angel.’  
They increased the pace of their movements again. He looked up at them and they shoved a sudden hand into his hair, yanking his head back into the pillow, exposing his neck. They leant down and scraped their teeth over him, then started licking indelicately at his mouth, his teeth, smearing his blood across their own mouth, tasting copper on their tongue. They cupped the back of his head, stroking the nape of his neck, the mockery of a loving touch.  
‘You may come now,’ they whispered softly, ‘Gabriel.’ It was his name that did it. The way they sounded the syllables, laced with just the right edge of derision, like it left an unpleasant flavour. He cried out, hips jolting upwards wildly, and they ripped their fingernails jaggedly across his chest, breaking the skin. The pain and the pleasure were- well, it was all pretty fucking Divine, if you asked him.

He felt all the tension leak out of his body with his release and fell limply against the sheets, pulling Beelzebub’s small body down with him until they were lying horizontally too, pressed against him. He listened to his own breathing slowing from desperate pants. They eased him gently out of themself, moving as if to get out of the bed, but in a moment he would later try very hard not to think about, he held on and they ended up lying together. The press of skin on skin, the heat of their body, the soft sounds of their breath- it was new. It was nice. He felt Beelzebub mumble unprompted 'I have a gap in my schedule on Thursday, if you've got more battle tactics to discuss,' against his shoulder, before closing their eyes. He smiled.


End file.
